Esther Perel knows relationships better than anyone. She’s a bestselling author, a therapist, and one of the most well-known voices on love, sex, and what makes couples stay connected. Her work has helped millions understand why relationships can feel so exciting at first but often lose that spark over time.
In this interview, we talk about love, desire, and keeping passion alive in long-term relationships. Why do some couples grow stronger while others drift apart? Can love and passion really exist together? And what can we do every day to make our relationships better? Esther shares her thoughts, and as always, she keeps it real.
Some people think a relationship should feel like a perfect match from the start, while others believe love is about growing and changing together. What do you think?
A relationship isn’t about finding a perfect match where everything just clicks from day one. It’s about growth. We meet someone, and through them, we learn more about ourselves. The best relationships challenge us, expand us, and sometimes even frustrate us.
At first, we’re drawn to certain qualities in a partner—maybe their confidence, their stability, their spontaneity. But over time, those same traits can become the source of tension. What excites us in the beginning might annoy us later. That’s normal.
Love isn’t just about finding someone who “fits.” It’s about two people choosing to grow together, adjusting, learning, and sometimes struggling. The question isn’t, Are we a perfect match? It’s, Are we willing to change and still hold onto each other?
Yes, being in a relationship means being open to change. The moment you let someone into your life, things shift. You’re not just “you” anymore—you’re part of something bigger.
We choose partners for many reasons. Sometimes they bring out parts of us we want to grow. Other times, they challenge us in ways we didn’t expect. At first, those differences can feel exciting. Later, they might create tension. That’s because we want to change, but only on our own terms.
Real love isn’t about staying exactly the same. It’s about two people growing side by side—sometimes in sync, sometimes not. The key is being able to stretch without losing yourself and staying close without feeling trapped.
What should someone have figured out about themselves before they start looking for a partner?
Before looking for a partner, it helps to know a few key things about yourself. First, what makes you feel alive? What excites you, challenges you, and gives you meaning? A relationship isn’t there to complete you—it’s there to add to who you already are.
Second, how do you handle conflict? Do you shut down, get defensive, or need time to process? Relationships will bring up challenges, so it’s good to know your patterns.
And most importantly, ask yourself: What is it like to live with me? Everyone has habits, insecurities, and ways of reacting. Being aware of those things can make a huge difference in how you connect with someone else. Relationships are about learning, but a little self-awareness before starting one can go a long way.
You talk a lot about how people grow throughout their lives. How does this affect long-term relationships?
People don’t stay the same, and neither do relationships. We grow, change, and go through different phases in life. What we needed in our 20s may not be the same as what we need in our 40s or 60s.
At first, a relationship is about building something together. Later, it becomes about making space for each person to grow without losing the connection. This is where many couples struggle—one person changes, and the other feels left behind.
The key is to keep choosing each other, again and again. To stay interested in who your partner is becoming, not just who they were when you first met. A long-term relationship isn’t about staying the same—it’s about making room for growth while staying close.
Why do couples sometimes struggle when one person starts changing?
Change can feel exciting, but it can also feel threatening—especially in a relationship. When one person starts growing in a new direction, the other might feel left behind or scared that things won’t be the same.
We often choose a partner because they bring balance to us. Maybe one is more grounded while the other is more spontaneous. But when that balance shifts, it can create tension. The thing that once felt exciting can suddenly feel unfamiliar.
The struggle isn’t just about the change itself—it’s about fear. Fear of losing connection, of not recognizing the person you’re with, or of being forced to change, too. The best way through it? Stay open. Stay interested in who your partner is becoming. A relationship isn’t about keeping things the same—it’s about growing together, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Is it possible to stay with the same person for decades and still feel excited about the relationship?
Yes, but not by accident. Long-term excitement doesn’t come from just loving someone—it comes from staying interested in them. People change over time, and the couples who keep the spark alive are the ones who stay engaged with each other’s growth.
The mistake many people make is thinking passion fades because of time. But it fades because of neglect, routine, and taking each other for granted. When a relationship feels predictable, it loses energy.
The key is to bring in mystery, playfulness, and a little bit of distance now and then. Give each other space to be individuals. Keep asking questions, trying new things together, and surprising each other. Passion doesn’t just disappear—it just needs attention.
Why do people in relationships often focus so much on what the other person is doing wrong instead of looking at themselves?
It’s always easier to point the finger at someone else than to look at ourselves. In relationships, people want to feel right, understood, and validated. When something goes wrong, blaming the other person feels like the quickest way to get there.
But the truth is, a relationship is not one person against the other—it’s both people affecting each other all the time. Instead of asking, What is my partner doing wrong? a better question is, What am I doing that adds to this problem?
Taking responsibility doesn’t mean blaming yourself. It means recognizing that both people shape the relationship. The more each person owns their part, the easier it is to fix things together.
When emotions are high, logic goes out the window. The first step is to pause. Take a breath, step away for a moment, or say, Let’s come back to this later. Arguing in the heat of the moment usually leads to saying things you’ll regret.
Instead of trying to win the fight, focus on understanding each other. Listen instead of just waiting for your turn to speak. Try to hear what’s underneath the words—hurt, frustration, or fear.
And don’t forget: it’s not you against your partner, it’s both of you against the problem. Conflict isn’t the real issue—it’s how you handle it that matters.
A good apology isn’t just saying I’m sorry. It’s showing that you understand how your actions affected the other person.
The best way to apologize is to be clear and specific. Say what you did, acknowledge how it hurt them, and take responsibility without making excuses. Instead of I’m sorry you feel that way, try I see that what I did hurt you, and I regret it.
A real apology also includes action. Words are important, but change matters more. Show that you’re willing to do things differently moving forward.
And finally, don’t rush forgiveness. An apology isn’t about making yourself feel better—it’s about helping the other person heal.
Accepting an apology means letting go of some of the anger or hurt, and that’s not always easy. Sometimes, people hold on to the pain because it feels like proof that what happened really mattered. If they forgive too quickly, they worry it might seem like it wasn’t a big deal.
Other times, they don’t trust that the apology will lead to real change. If the same hurt has happened before, words might not feel like enough. They need to see something different, not just hear “I’m sorry.”
And then there’s pride. Admitting you’re ready to move on can feel like giving up power, especially if you’ve been deeply hurt. A real apology isn’t just about saying the right words—it’s about showing the other person that their pain is seen, and that things will be different.
Why do some people lose interest in sex with their long-term partner, even if they still love them?
Love and desire don’t always go hand in hand. Love is about comfort, closeness, and feeling safe. Desire, on the other hand, thrives on mystery, excitement, and a little bit of distance. When couples get too comfortable, they often lose the tension that makes attraction strong.
Over time, partners stop seeing each other as new or unpredictable. They become family. They focus on responsibilities, routine takes over, and playfulness disappears. When life feels heavy, sex can start to feel like just another task.
The key isn’t just to “spice things up” but to bring back curiosity and space. Give each other room to miss each other. Surprise each other. Desire doesn’t die because of time—it fades when we stop seeing our partner as someone separate, someone who can still surprise us.
Can love and passion really exist together, or do they naturally pull in different directions?
Love and passion can exist together, but they don’t always come naturally. Love is about safety, comfort, and knowing someone deeply. Passion, on the other hand, thrives on mystery, excitement, and the unknown. The challenge in long-term relationships is that the same security that makes love strong can sometimes make passion fade.
Passion needs space. When two people become too close, they can feel like one unit, and desire struggles in that sameness. To keep both love and passion alive, couples need to create a little distance—not emotional distance, but space for individuality, for play, for the unexpected.
The couples who keep passion alive are the ones who stay curious about each other, who surprise each other, and who don’t let routine take over. Love and passion don’t cancel each other out, but they do need different things to survive.
You say that sex isn’t just something we do—it’s a place we go. Can you explain what that means?
Sex isn’t just an action—it’s an experience. It’s not only about what we do but about where we go in our minds and emotions. It’s a space where we can feel playful, powerful, free, or deeply connected.
For some, sex is a way to escape stress. For others, it’s a way to feel desired or to reconnect with themselves. It can be about adventure, comfort, surrender, or control. It’s different for everyone.
The problem in long-term relationships is that sex can become routine. It loses that sense of excitement and discovery. But if you think of it as a place you visit—a mental and emotional space rather than just a physical act—it opens up new possibilities. Instead of just asking What do we do?, ask Where do we want to go together?
People talk a lot about attachment styles and love languages. Do you think those labels are helpful, or do they put people in boxes?
Labels like attachment styles and love languages can be helpful, but they can also be limiting. They give us a way to understand ourselves and our partners, which can make relationships easier to navigate. But people are more complicated than just one category.
Saying I’m anxious or My love language is words of affirmation can explain certain patterns, but it shouldn’t become an excuse. People grow, change, and adapt. If you hold too tightly to a label, you might stop seeing the full person in front of you.
It’s good to use these ideas as tools, not boxes. They should help start conversations, not end them. Instead of thinking This is just how I am, ask How can I learn and connect better? Relationships are about flexibility, not fixed labels.
More people are waiting until their 30s or 40s to settle down. How does that change what they need in a relationship?
Waiting until your 30s or 40s to settle down changes what you look for in a relationship. When people meet young, they often grow together, building their lives side by side. But when you meet later, you’ve already built a life on your own.
By then, you usually know who you are, what you want, and what you won’t compromise on. You’re not looking for someone to shape you—you’re looking for someone who fits with the life you’ve created.
The challenge is making space for another person without losing your independence. Two complete lives now have to come together without one taking over the other. That takes flexibility, curiosity, and a real willingness to adjust while still holding on to what matters to you.
A lot of couples today break up because they don’t feel “happy” anymore. Do you think happiness should be the main goal in a relationship?
Happiness is great, but it can’t be the only goal in a relationship. No one feels happy all the time, and expecting that from a partner is unrealistic. Relationships go through phases—some are joyful, some are difficult, and some are just everyday life.
Instead of asking, Am I always happy?, a better question is, Is this relationship meaningful? Do we support each other? Do we grow together? Love isn’t just about feeling good—it’s about connection, trust, and being able to handle life’s ups and downs together.
Of course, if a relationship brings only stress, loneliness, or frustration, that’s a problem. But leaving just because the excitement fades can mean missing out on something deeper. Happiness comes and goes, but a strong connection is built over time.
One of the simplest but most powerful things you can do is let your partner know they matter. This doesn’t have to be grand or complicated—it can be as small as a thoughtful text, a genuine thank you, or a moment of eye contact that says, I see you.
People want to feel appreciated, not just for big things but for the everyday effort they put into the relationship. Acknowledging those little things—I love how you make me laugh or I noticed how hard you worked today—keeps the connection strong.
The key is consistency. Feeling valued isn’t about one big romantic gesture; it’s about the small moments that remind your partner they are important to you, every single day.
If a couple has been together for a long time and feels stuck, what’s the best way to bring back excitement?
When a relationship feels stuck, the first step is to break the routine. Excitement doesn’t just disappear—it fades when things become too predictable.
Try something new together. It doesn’t have to be dramatic—take a class, travel somewhere different, or even switch up small daily habits. The key is to create moments of surprise.
Another way to bring back excitement is to remember what made you want each other in the first place. Talk about old memories, revisit the things that made you laugh, and bring back a little mystery.
Most importantly, stop waiting for the spark to just come back. Passion isn’t something you find—it’s something you create by staying engaged, playful, and interested in each other.
One big mistake people make about love is thinking it should always feel the same. In the beginning, everything is exciting, new, and effortless. But over time, love changes. That doesn’t mean something is wrong—it means it’s real.
Long-term relationships go through phases. Passion comes and goes, connection deepens, and people grow. Some expect love to just happen, but good relationships need attention, playfulness, and a little effort.
Another thing people get wrong is thinking their partner should complete them. A partner can add to your life, but they can’t be responsible for your happiness. The best relationships are between two whole people who choose each other, not two halves trying to fill a gap.
